This is how I got here.
MY STORY
I suppose you could say this particular path in my life first began when it felt like my life was ending.
I remember it like it was yesterday, I was 22, I had lost my job, my partner at the time, my car, my home, all in the space of 2 weeks in the cold darkness of January. I had turned to working in a local strip-club because the tips paid better than my day job in mental health support services (ironic eh).
I was walking my dog, knowing that the only thing keeping me alive at that moment was the love for my daughter and a refusal to do that to her, I looked up from the ground at a great oak tree I had seen a million times before, and I saw a wavy white light around the whole tree, like how light shines through calm waters, it gently danced around the shape of the tree.
And suddenly the world was beautiful. And I felt my heart beat again.
Something changed in me that day. It was small, but the seed was planted. I found a lady called Sue in Swansea of all places who was trained by Mikao Usui's granddaughter, and she became my reiki teacher. I remember my first attunement, sitting eyes closed, tears streaming down my face as I released so much heartache. This was far from being the end or even middle of my personal healing journey. In fact, within a few years I would go “back to sleep” for a spell while I continued working in various front-line social and metal health services.
I knew something had changed in me when I met my now husband during the same year, and absolutely refused to commit to a relationship until I had worked through my own sh*t. This was the first break in a pattern of behaviour I had been repeating since I was 13 years old. Meet a guy, give him everything right away so he loves you. I was not prepared to do this again.
What I haven't told you about yet, is the things that happened that created these pattern for me. Why I was so conditioned to give a man everything, to make myself small and play the role (which inevitably leads to outbursts of self-sabotage). I will keep it brief and to the point. I had sex too young. I already had co-dependency issues with a need to be and feel loved. I got involved with an older boy at 15 and spent until I was 17 surviving daily and quite extreme physical mental & emotional abuse & humiliation. I gave birth to my beautiful daughter still a child myself. And as much as I struggled with disassociation at this point, when he “kicked off” after she was born I called the police and that was that.
But I was left with a lot of work to do.
Lets Talk About Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage comes in many forms. For me it came in the form of “burying my head in the sand” or “quitting while I was ahead”. I would do things like ignore bills I couldn't afford at the time until they had so many extra charges they became actually impossible to pay. Or sabotaging the relationship because in the back of my mind they didn't really like me. My unhealthy relationship with money and self-worth only got worse through my late teens and early 20s as I was cheated on, left in the lurch, and woke up to the social engineering and corrupt monetary system, creating even more subconscious belief systems that could and would hold me back in life.
The self sabotage was rife.
And so we come full circle, back to that very special winters day, during one of the lowest points in my life, when suddenly everything was different. I was resolved to break these destructive cycles.
I spent many years breaking and repeating cycles, lucky in my capacity to reflect and question myself before anything else. You see, there is a difference between blaming yourself and seeking deeper insight into yourself through question & reflection. Once I have gone through this process I am more assured of my own response to a situation, and if I know I did what was in my capacity to do at the time then I can move on in compassion rather than guilt or shame. Of course I reflect today and can see how it took many tries of clearing guilt and shame around my experiences as I continued to punish myself through subconscious acts of self-sabotage.
Fast-forward to today, I have been married for 10 years blessed with another beautiful daughter. I spent a further 11 years working in front-line mental health and social service support roles, and honestly, I believe it is worth mentioning with regards to being a large part of my lived experience with trauma support for not only myself but in a professional capacity for those in crisis.
During this time I also trained in foundations of medical herbalism with Heartwood School, sound therapy with emphasis on dragon frequency, NLP, Core-Shamanism, psychic discernment, & astrology & ritual. I have done extensive research on these subjects on top of various training, particularly around western spiritual science.
The climax of this whole healing, and quite frankly life-changing journey has been the dropping down of all of this information, all of this learning and lived-experience, finally dropping down into the body in a way that has created a coherent system for effective emotional alchemy that actually lasts.
I have reached this point through a lot of personal trial and error. I have tested, combined, researched, refined, and tried tried again. There were times now and then where I wondered if I was getting it wrong, because no matter how much I tried to apply what I had learned I just couldn't put it into words, couldn't explain it in a way that made sense.
This emotional alchemy has released the clearest and most potent creation energy within me. No longer fogged up by subconscious conditioning my creation energy has been allowed to flow, as limiting belief systems have fallen away with every cut chord.
Through astrology I received comfort and insights finding Saturn in my 2nd house of self-worth and money; through core-shamanic teachings I received comfort in knowing that the “weird” things I had seen and experienced were in fact not so weird at all, and were a gift I could share, an opportunity to nurture a relationship with spirit beyond my previously limited beliefs; through sound therapy I was able to heal my throat chakra (and as it turns out one of my most powerful energy centres); through herbalism I learned how to detox and nourish my physical body, I nurtured a relationship with my local flora & fauna and spirits of the land and rivers.
These are all things I now share with my loved ones and the world.
What I have ultimately achieved through all of this is peace. Peace of mind, of body, and of spirit. I know that I can not just overcome but thrive. That I deserve a beautiful life and that my magic can ripple outwards to others and create even more joy and love in the world.
I finally understand that having money doesn't mean you must have done something terrible to get it or that you'll turn into an a**hole once you've got it, I know that I don't NEED a husband, that we are together because we choose to be, not because we need to be.
How Does One Lead The Good Life?
By releasing limiting beliefs.
Yes there are limiting circumstances in life, but your subconscious beliefs needn't add to them.
Have you ever tried getting something to work, a project, a business, relationship, job etc, and no matter how perfect you perform the practical tasks or steps it just doesn't seem to be working...that is the energetic block. There is something somewhere in your subconscious that is blocking mission success. This could be anything from limiting beliefs created at the moment of a previous disappointment, to accidental conditioning from repeated thought patterns or childhood experiences. There is also the potential for there to be an intuitive message in there telling you why this mission in fact should not be a success for your own good, but you cant hear, see, or recognise that message over all the other conscious and unconscious chatter.
I will use my own personal experience as an example here.
I have Saturn (the planet of karma, lessons, the teacher) in my 2nd house of money & self-worth. And as I mentioned, these have been two of the biggest lessons in my life so far.
When I learned how corrupt the monetary system is, I thought I had one-up on that system because I could see the truth of what it is. I could see the corruption.
What I didn't realise was happening at the time (I was only 21) was that I was forming a belief system around this which ultimately meant, in my mind, that anyone rich was probably a bad person. And so if I had a lot of money I would run the risk of being one of those bad people.
What I was saying to the universe with this belief system was “Money is evil, I don't want evil in my life, therefore, I don't want money”.
Now I imagine a world where money is in the hands of the good people. The ones in service to the earth and humanity. I imagine a world where money is truly a tool used with compassion and love for a better world. This might sound “pie-in-the-sky” to you right now. But I would offer that this very reaction to such a statement is your own conditioning. If a governing body can convince a population that there is no hope for such things then they have already won.
And I for one, aren't playing by their rules any more.
I will no longer conform to the “rule” that says you have to work yourself into an early grave for a decent wage.
I will no longer conform to my self-worth being tied to how other people judge me.
Say it with me.
What is my System?
As 20 years of learning and experience in the realms of mental health, emotional alchemy and the effect of consciousness on reality & realms dropped down into my body from my mind, becoming part of my very being, everything became clearer. A system began to form, a helpful protocol that I could turn to at any time to explore, identify, and alchemise any energetic block I came across.
This system has been so effective I literally changed my entire life in under 2 years. Not only this, but for the past year as this system became more and more refined, it began to change the lives of many other women who were attending my in-person groups. We have witnessed women grow from saying not one word into opening up their deepest wounds for the most profound healing; women who were numb from anti-depressants grow into their joy to the point of coming off those same meds (gradually and safely).
This system uses a combination of Meditation, sound therapy, esoteric ritual, and astrology. At least, these are the 4 main ingredients, there can also be some herbal and water wisdom in there for good measure. The reasons for all of these are vast, and there are and will be many more articles/blogs/letters/content that cover these reasons in my other works.
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